Why the program doesn't work.

Diets, Self Help Programs and Finance programs don't work. I can prove it. If they did, we would all be slender, well adjusted and comfortable. I mean, if there was a program that could make you lose all the weight you wanted and you'd seen the results in lots of other people, wouldn't you try it? Wouldn't you - also - be successful at it? If it was perfect, if it was easy?

The modern guru's will all tell you the program won't work, and they say it's for one specific reason - because people don't follow the program - but I think it's deeper then that. And let me say right now - I believe that most of the people who are coaches, mentors or Self Help Gurus are honest, well-intentioned people. They have found something that works for them, and though it might not make their lives perfect - it does give them a very high level of personal satisfaction. It also gives a lot of other people the same high degree of satisfaction - whether permanently or temporarily - which I would like to address a little later.

I say the reasons are more complex. Sure, the program doesn't work and I know a lot of people who collect the books without every cracking the spines. There is no magic Osmosis, nor do fairies come and night and read the books to you while you sleep so you can learn in your dreams. You have to open the book, read the words. You have to put the stuff into practice.

But there are two other reasons why the programs fail, Blind spots you have about yourself and energy exchange.

Everyone has blind spots. These are things you have been doing for so long in your life, you don't even realize it.

Snoring is perhaps the perfect example of a blind spot. Ever been told you snore? Did you believe it? Ever told someone else they snore? Did they believe you? No, because it's something you do in your sleep. You have many waking behaviors that are like snoring. To everyone else they are absolutely apparent, but you won't see them. And even if someone points them out to you, you will deny them. This is very difficult work and the program can't work you through it because the program is "Self Based". How can you possibly divest yourself of behaviors you know you don't have and don't want to admit to.

I know many bitter people, but they don't think they are bitter. They see the world through their own myopic little filter and can't see their behavior because it is too much a part of them. Did you ever have someone who was clearly angry and when you point it out to them they scream "I AM NOT ANGRY!"  Clearly they are, but they can't see it. They will make excuses. "I'm upset" they will say, as if this is somehow different. And if it's a long term grudge they feel justified in carrying, then it's that much more difficult to get rid of.

Like someone who was abused as a child. They will hate the abuser. Justified, right? But what damaged does that do to their lives. What guilt does that cause, what self loathing and stress? While I am not necessarily advocating undeserved forgiveness and allowing that destructive person back into your life with open arms and allowing them to continue, I am suggesting that perhaps Apathy is the better course. The opposite of love is not hate - hate is often the need to be loved by the person we hate. To get what is owed - emotionally. Apathy is the opposite of love, and it can be quite curative. To let go, to say "This person is no longer of any influence or consequence to me, my life is my own as is my joy." But this is impossible, because the angry person feels they are owed something - love, a good childhood, self respect and this terrible person MUST give it to them.

The world may owe you a living, but you'll starve to death before you collect. Blood does not come from a stone. If you are waiting for an abusive person to give you any of these things to collect your own self worth, there is the source of your problem. You don't need a program, you need to grow up.

However, all these justifications and thought processes make you blind to the real problem. And until you see the disease, you can't treat it. And only through deep introspection - questioning friends and thinking about what they say and analyzing your true self - taking that long hard look in the mirror and really learning to like the person you see there - no program, course, religion or relationship will change a thing in your life.

If you over eat because you hate yourself, a diet is a temporary solution, it doesn't alter the reasons for the behavior and as long as the reasons remain valid, the behavior will remain justifiable. You have to learn to love yourself, to ignore all those kind and well meaning relatives who made you feel bad about yourself and make yourself realize you are - exactly as you are today - a good, decent, loving person whom is your best friend and deserves your best treatment and love.

If you cheat on your spouse, that's the sign of a very deep problem in your relationship, or perhaps even your character and you should explore that because eventually you’re going to want to get out of the cycle of self loathing and guilt.

If you’re a work-a-holic - ask yourself why you don't want to go home?

Junkie promises are worthless so don't make them to yourself. Introspection isn't hard, but it is terrifying because every single person in the world at one point or another doesn't want to look at the person in the mirror. And it's because they are afraid they will see someone terrible. It's because they only see their flaws and they are afraid they will find out they're crazy or sick or wrong or worthless.

There is a story I've heard attributed to Nietzsche and I'll admit I'm not that up on my Nietzsche. It goes like this.

When we are children, we are camels, living in the wadi. We have heaped upon us many burdens; all the should’s, could’s and must’s of child hood. You have to do you homework, your chores, be nice, be polite, and wear clean underwear.  Then, one day, we are sent into the desert to make our way. And when we get into the desert, we find a terrible dragon, all fire and teeth and claws waiting to devour hapless camels wandering with their burdens.

Now, most camels are rightfully terrified of Dragons. They turn and run back to the comfort of the Wadi to live out their lives under the rules of the shoulds, coulds, musts. 

But occasionally, there is a camel that doesn’t run from the Dragon. He stops and looks at it really closely. And he discovers a secret. There really is no Dragon, it’s an illusion. It’s smoke and mirrors. It’s a lizard with great PR. And he laughs and throws off the camels clothing and becomes a lion. And then, he is master of the world.

You are the camel and the mirror of introspection is the Dragon. It’s just a mirror. And trust me; the person inside the mirror has merit. They are funny, or smart or clever or genuine or kind or generous, or all of the above. Yes, that person is flawed. And it is the fact that they are willing to TRY that gives them merit, which makes them deserve your love and kindness.

Start with easy stuff. I’ve never murdered anyone. I don’t intentionally hit people with my car. I have never disinterred a body from a grave yard. I have never walked into a stranger’s house and shot their TV.

Yeah, go ahead, laugh with yourself. It’s a great way to get to know someone. And most people don’t know themselves. And the program doesn’t work. And once you’re good with you, you will find it is easy to be good with other people. And to forgive things you never thought you could. And to let go of all those things you’re “”Owed”. And all the stuff that’s holding you back.  But that must come first.

I promise that if you will meet yourself, you’ll like yourself and then the program will begin to work for you – whatever program you choose. And all the things you want will begin to manifest. And the work will become easier. And you’ll find that even on your worst days, you’ll have someone there that you love to support you – yourself!

This brings me to the second reason programs don’t work.

If you have every experienced a religious conversion, this will be a much easier to grasp first time.

In most religions, there is a certain “Energy Exchange” that occurs at the moment of conversion. It’s like a high.

In Hinduism, it’s called Shaktipot.

Shakti is Divine Energy which flows through the Guru and into the participant. It’s a very powerful feeling. It’s exactly like you feel the minute you are sitting in church and feel that magical revelation or when you are in a group of people at a rally or coaching session or motivational seminar.

You feel FANTASTIC!  The world is your oyster! You can do anything, you are a wonderful person, and you are dancing, singing and joyful! You go home and for the next three days you are telling everyone you know and trying to get them to follow you and come to the rally and gushing about how this has changed your life.

Basically, you’re annoying everyone else. You are also expending that energy very rapidly. And you’re going to crash. You, my friend are heading for the fall.

Because you feel so “On top of the world!” you do the whole program at once and have boundless energy and good spirits. It’s natural to want to revel in that feeling. It is also absolutely the wrong thing to do.

After Shaktipot, adherents of Hinduism are encouraged to spend a few days in quiet meditation and to only discuss their feelings with other adherents.  This isn’t selfish or cultish. It’s for the person’s own benefit.

There are similar admonishing in other religions. C.S. Lewis in his “Screwtape Letters” talks about not changing churches after a conversion and about spending time with other people in the church, to make the feeling last longer.  Rumi speaks often about “Being Drunk” with this feeling and “Staying in the Tavern” to keep the feeling going.

They want you to do that because there are people who’ve experienced this before and have figured out how to take that feeling and turn it into a permanent change. They know the questions to ask to make you calm down and use the energy in a sensible, guided way. In a way that will make any benefits you get from it permanent.

So, if you’re bouncing off walls and telling everyone you know – you’re wasting that energy, which instead you should be using for serious introspection (what better time then when you feel strong) and to make real, core changes in your life. It’s a time for formulating strategies, taking first steps and reaping the rewards for them and for learning what you are truly thankful for. When you do these things, you are building a foundation on which to build for when that energy burst wears out. And you are drunk with this energy, this “joy” so you need people who guide you.

When people go to seminars or begin any kind of program, they should have a 1 friend who is discovering it with them and one who is advanced in the program. They should be able to call them and get re-focused. These should be people who aren’t afraid to say “I’m glad you’re happy, but right now, you need to be doing the work.”

You should take those three days after any seminar, group counseling etc and spend it in silent reflection. You should plan your next step. You should begin acting toward you goal. And you should take one small risk. If your selling Make-up, you should spent the energy getting your materials, making a list of people you think should be interested and approaching three or four people – a couple of them strangers and telling them what you’re doing. You have that bank of energy, so your failures will seem smaller and your successes greater. By doing this, you move slowly towards making the feeling you have at the seminar a permanent part of your life, instead of just exhausting yourself.

Spend a little time thinking about your life, the situations in which you tend to lose or feel unsuccessful, ask your friends and family what your best and worst qualities are. Consider what they say. But most of all, take a look at yourself in the mirror. Give yourself some quiet time. You deserve it.